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My etiquette school, part one: Shaving.

Now, step one: the tools.
For a proper shaving, one will need the following items:
? One Razor.
? Shaving Foam.
? Water.
? A Mirror.
? Patience.

Ok, let’s look closer at the tools. First, we have the razor. I, myself, prefer a stainless-steel double-bladed flexible shaver, more on why later. If your economy doesn’t allow you to invest in such a unique object of “shaviness” (this is not a word, I know, but I just swallowed my humor-pill), I would advocate a trip to K-Mart for a rummage in the “used items” box.
Also, don’t even think about using an automatic “shaver” for it will never give you the same result as a good razor.

Second, the shaving foam. One can never get too picky when it gets to the shaving foam. Choose foam that is tender to your skin. If your skin gets red or irritated after a shave, you need to find one with fewer chemicals. If the foam is sticky and tastes like string beans, it is not foam, but semen and you need serious help, for you have issues if you spray semen in your face.

Water is optional, but if you really want that top-notch shave, I would recommend it.
Also the mirror is optional. This is especially true if you are blind, since you won’t need one. Heck, you won’t even be able to read this guide at all, so please don’t be blind.

And, finally, patience. Patience is virtue, ask me. I was in a rush to get to the monthly Y.M.C.A. meeting held in my uncle’s basement (Y.M.C.A. is short for Your Mother Comes Anally, and it is a family tradition we’ve upheld for some time now) and I made a mess of my shaving, leaving my genitalia half-severed, but still functioning (more on that later).

Now, let’s get to the actual procedure, shall we?
First, check if the razorblade is sharp enough to do the job. What I usually do is that I press it against my fingertip until a little blood squirts out. The same drill may be done on other sensitive and erect bodyparts, but the results may vary heavily.
Second, rub your whole face and neck in with shaving foam. Leave no dry spots, as you’ll need to be crude and effective with the blade once the actual shaving starts.

Now, take a good, long look into the mirror. That face is about to change, mister/ma’am, and you will not recognize yourself (for the better, I hope), until, of course, the next morning when you wake up into the normal ugly heap of shit that is you.
Take one deep breath, exhale, and let the water run.

Soak your blade with water a few times, and then take your first gentle strokes. Shave with one hand, and with the other, firmly hold your skin in place, so that it doesn’t get sloppy and you’ll cut yourself.
Work your way down from eyelevel until you reach your mouth. This is where it gets a bit trickier. Cup your lips, oh come on, I know that YOU know how to do it. If not, I can send you a movie where my uncle demonstrates the correct procedure on me. Enough about that.
Cup your lips, so that their structure becomes harder. It is now easy to, with gentle handmoves, shave off those small, annoying pieces of hair that infest your face.
Work your way down to the chin. Now, simply open wide (I can show you how to do that too) and keep shaving, don’t swallow the hair.

That covers the face.

Now, as we move down the great instrument that is the human body, I must inform you that I cannot tutor you on back-shaving, since I don’t do it by myself (I can’t reach).
One thing I DO accomplish alone, is the shaving of the genitalia and anus.
This is where the stainless-steel double-bladed flexible shaver comes in play. If you own one, it is easy to, gently, wrap around your balls and shave them clean. Your ass also becomes smooth like babyskin after a few, carefully aimed strokes.
Now, if you do not own the aforementioned razor, I must teach you a different, and more painful, approach to the hair removal (that’s right, folks, no gentle shaving anymore) of your genitalia and anus.

For the testicles, you will need the following:
? Duct tape
? AND/OR Tweezers.

This is how you do it:

-THE DUCT TAPE METHOD-
Simply tear off a few pieces from the roll, apply them to your balls, and then rip ‘em off!
This is INCREDIBLY PAINFUL and I would suggest that you either:
A. Ask a friend to do it for you while you’re flatlined, or drunk.
B. Take some sedatives and then do it yourself
C. Ask a friend to first use the tape to tie you up and gag you, and then do it, not caring for your screams of anguish.
Any “surviving” hairstraws may be removed with smaller pieces of tape.

-THE TWEEZER METHOD-
Simply use your tweezers to carefully pull out the hair, straw by straw. This is slightly less painful (and less effective, timewise) than the duct tape method, and the pain may be reduced if you rub your balls in with lotion just before the operation.

-THE DUCT TAPE/TWEEZER METHOD-
This is a mix of the two above, and instead of removing “survivors” with duct tape, just pull them out with your tweezers.

That covers your balls, I will have to ask my mother for the… um, “Female version”.

Now, to the easiest part of shaving: your ass.
Simply bend over, make sure no unwanted guests are sneaking up on you from behind, and use either duct tape or a hacksaw to reach your wanted result. It is suggested that you stretch your back a bit before doing this, cause I once got stuck in that position for three hours, and believe me, it was NOT funny when the neighbor’s dobermann got curious as to what kind of sausage was hanging between my legs.

With this bit of information, I leave you all to a better everyday shave, and, a better life!

Peace out, homeboys.
Signed
- IamSpartacus

(not written by Bullock)

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