free hosting   image hosting   hosting reseller   online album   e-shop   famous people

Re: America Sucks

Git educated boy!

When I was yer age, I slaved on the open muddy fields of Pumpernickle Crest (little cumminitae here in Arkansas). Born 3rd of 12 I was. Pa always needed hands, hands, n' more HANDS! Alright, them times I spent milking pa (naw, we didn't have no VIAGRA or indian blackroot crap which makes yer nuts twitch like a mule's flatulent ass in the summer (Randy - the retarded one nobody missed - in a handicapper frenzy, bashed one hard over the skull in `74. Stupid fucker then cut up it's stomach well n' good with his croc' skinner (n' you know him with scissors). Next thing I knew, he struck *something* that bulged with that same rock - MOTHERFUCKEN HINDENBURG!!!!) ...n ' before ya know it yer pissin' lime colored bursts of curdled 'olive nectar'.) as prep. before Bessie isn't what I'm referrin' to! STOP YER DAYDREAMIN' N' LISTEN TO A MAN WHINE OVER HIS BITTER SWEET LIFE STORY!!!

Anyway, I reckon each one of us had a difficult birth; what with mamma too busy churnin' us out like granules of goose shit ta recuperate. Man, the first child... Being a female n' all made him put ma ta pasture for an extended period. Sally had it the easiest...delivery hardens the rim of the 'stork-nest' like an Irishman's upper lip...little whore got yanked by the head n' that was that! I reckon poor ol' Pete had to be pried out with two rusty, chafed ol' shovels pressed side ta side n' bolted through the wooden center a ' same fashion them jaws of life are. My god, where would Clarice be if we were too simple ta know how ta firmly jam the leg of a stool in a woman's bung; sittin' n' -a' tuggin' that plunger with all our collective might n' leverage? Fuck... after they excavated me with a garden hoe, we had ta insert a bent cobblin' pin through ma's crotch, n' twist them folds back like a tin of sardines ta get at Joel. Phewey! Speaking of which, did he ever reek of it. A silo full of dung beetles, swarmin' over thick matresses of gouda couldn't dampen that stench!

The rest of my family got liberated thanks ta do-it-yourself cesarian : hedge clippers n' moonshine! Poor Cleutus was mighty flimsy with his hands, in spite of him being the strongest. So we had ta put it off for another year or two until he ws sure he mastered them. Hell n' thunder, when due twice over, 4 of them spilled out at once, tugging on for dear life n' the fattest umbilical cord they could grasp/bite. After one such occasion, ma complained of gettin' strange teeth she never had in her mouth before midnight, which is when she rinses (or whatever). Nevertheless, god makes providence - yessir he does! They may have been mutilated, missin' limbs, all deformed n' scarred, need ta squat regardless of gender, but they still be family. An' truth is they worked until they died laborin' hard in the vast corn fields of home. Even in death, god found a purpose for them. I only wonder why all them blasted cattle dropped like flies.

After leavin' my sweet home fer better things, my perseverance finally paid off one day! Got myself a job as mall santa. NO, I AINT NO MOLASTAR!!! PAY ATTENTION BOY!!! As long as stupid richie rich snot-nosed brat (shamed to say) American shit stinkers are led to believe in santa n' the tooth fairy all their wretched lives - thanks ta commercialism n' mass media shite - organized religion will always hold a place for them in the near(ing) future, or so I'll reckon. I recall how this one kid wanted a "super-flight-tank-car-simulator joystick" thingy. Gots me a good looksie at his hot mamma n' said, "kid, it'll take me another round trip just ta find an erotic junkstore with one super-tight-crank/bar-sTimulator for her! Yeah, she's a gotta fasten it by the suction pads to the side of the wall, pull her panties to her ankles n' rub up and down like a stray cat..." Heh, that little priss manager Rolanzo fired me the next day. I hurled a well lit molitov through his office window that night. Heheheh, wall-to-wall carpeting...

Now, er, OH WHAT?!?!? Heh, quite a tangent... Bah! You'll see how it later converges with my original point nice and poetically...you'll see... you will... I'm telling you... heh, come on now...you know, be a little patient... reeeeally now.................... >>>PSYCH!<<<

Anyways...

There's sure as hell ain't none brainwashin' from the idiot tube n' churches! No gray or gay aliens except them Democrat fucks up north! No elongated, rail-thin buckwheat monsters from Delta Centauri, comin'-a' through the drain ta raid your colon at night with prongs on the end of their fuzzy green feelers (there's enough bugs and pretty micro-circuitry in there as it is...SHIT! SOMEONE COVER THAT UP! COVER IT UP PRONTO! *quickly addresses a hefty check to Bullock/Otto/Sir Webmaster* ).

There's sure as hellfire ain't none evil CIA shenanigans afoot! They're good, hard working Americans like the rest of our nation boy! You think they're bad n' evil dirty rat-faced men? Why, `cause they lurk in trenchcoats concealing shiny pistols (*drools*), bundles of under-the-desk payoff (not ta mention Lewinksian royalities from them pretty Skullys), n' the crack (*drools*) they just seized off some penniless street-corner, shelter jockey with no family or future? The War On Drugs, coupled with their efforts, is what gives our solidarity some permanence n' secures your rights! Or are ya too stupid ta know that? YOUR RIGHTS BOY!!! Protects us altruistic citizens, and all else from the harsh reality these troglodyte twaddle-muckers are proliferatin' in god's greatest country. That is, you ARE a US citizen, right boy? Git over here! ANSWER TO SAM!!!

What are ya thinkin' now, RAWswell? There ain't none stinkin' RAWswell!, or fancy shit area B52s! There be no extra-turrest'yal nomads prancin' the night away with men in black wanting to lead, while great Caeser's ghost himself tries ta cut in! Ain't no Illuminati, NATO, NWO (lest you be thinkin' `bouts wrastlin'!). Hoffa is DEAD boy, n' this I know : the only spooks haunting are the ones sloshing around in that goofy, soft head of yours! No, there ain't no nano-camera hidden in the nooks and crannies of your toilet bowl ta make sure the equip' stays in place! Naw, sit the fuck down you human pole vault meet little faggit! Yeah, that vent there processes nothin' but fresh American air...nobody a-openin' pressurized canisters of gaseous pollutants, n' planting that shit in the northeastern most duct! Is there now, buddy? OUPPHHH! Somethin' a -goin' thump in the night!!! GO SNEAK A PEAK! OH-MY-GOD-IT'S-DENNIS-FRANZ-IN-FUZZY-PURPLE-PENNYLOAFERS!!!

Git educated boy!!!

Don't you trust the word of men in power? Men who make sure the gears of this great country are constantly revolving at the civilized world's behest? Watch a little CNN now and then! It'll keep you informed the way a good American should be! Give you an occasional chance to gaze at his majesty, George DoubleYer BUUUSH! Democracy boy, Democracy! If you don't like it, you best fucking leave it! Oh, that's right... them backward-ass, euro-trash-commie faggots don't even have the brains ta recognize us or our training in the work force; nevermind those anti-democratic (Note to the boys : if I capitalized the "d", that would've been a good thang!) gooks n' their Tiamen Square blood letting of youngins like you, who WANT to be big proud Americans, but lack both the heart n' spine (not ta mention BALLS)! Heya boy! If I were ta toss ya a scrap in the path of a rampagin' war machine, would ya'all play fetch for me? Y-YEAH?

You gotta turn tricks, n' sweat like a sow now! Nones other alternative to the situation, except trekking (LOOK HERE FUCKER!!! I DIDN'T SAY "TREKKIE"!!! STOP CONJURIN' UP SCENES OF GRINDIN' THAT PHAS-SUUR IN YOUR NAVEL WHILE CHEWING THE ISLANDS OF LARD OUTTA THAT CONVENTION GRAVY!!!) onward ta queer ol' Canada - THEM STUPID FUCKERS LIVE IN IGLOOS! At any moment, your idle ass will get hauled into jail for 10 years for the smallest infraction; likely a traffic violation, if not some petty crime. Enjoy your stay in your conrete suite. If not, the 6'7'', fudge-packing, fudge colored former football player/boxer/tri-athlete/ghetto pain-machine of a 'playmate' sure as hell will...n' he's tired of playin' QB!

...yessiree...

*licks lips and spits out wad of glistening, drenched cud*

*tilts straw hat to block out glare of sun*

*bears a `pick-flicking, toothy southern grin*

*holds chest out high and broad as a sudden gesture of repressed, church going "masculinity"*

*lights a match off the spur of his left boot*

*spits out the toothpick, burning a fat el-stinko*

*scratches crotch with lukewarm branding iron within HALF that time frame*

I feel likes shpreadin' my incessant wisdom some more!

See how the system works? EVERYONE WORKS (heh, except me and the rest of the masonic playboys (that 1% everyone fears ta even speak of)! Remember : don't snort no dime if you can't do the time! An' if ya try dodgin' tha' time? Heh, don't worry, we'll getcha on a victimless crime! Best prepare yourself there sonny boy! Time's a wastin'! The rift between the rich n' poor is so broad, a remnant of those mid class shmoes would tear himself in two walkin' the line. With members of either side gorgin' themselves on his danglin' spleen like vultures.

Now that's America! So git with the program boy, n' get educated!

(Oh momma, Laney's cookin' me up some wholesome gumbo as I type! Aroma hit my shnoz like a splintered 2X4 does the bear back of an ass-scratching, bent-over, white-palmed pecan picker about to make off with one parsnip too many! We'll lynch his ass with the mangled end of a boat oar, dipped in hot tar just for a li't'l' extra southern kick! Round up the boys! We's havin' ourselves a hat-trampling, wood stompin', square dancin', dirt risin', steer wrastlin' little congregation! YEEEHAAAW!!!)

"Git educated boy!"

[ back | home ]