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Public Support for Legalisation Increasing, Study Shows

Jet-Head, who operates a "wholesale and retail business establishment" in New Jersy, conducted the survey by selecting a random sampling of his friends and customers, who according to him, "come from all walks of life."

According to Jet-Head, who we interviewed by scribbling questions on a wrapper from a Checker's Double Cheeseburger and sliding it under a barred iron door, the results demonstrate the burgeoning popularity and growing acceptance of crack in America.

In addition to their support for legalization, Jet-Head’s results indicate that fifty percent of Americans want "more crack," while the remaining sixty-two percent want "more crack right now." (Totals may not equal one hundred percent due to rounding.)

When asked if they believed that attitudes toward crack were changing, forty percent of respondents answered "don't know," while the other sixty percent answered "more crack."

However they are interpreted, these new numbers represent a dramatic turnaround over the past several years, and give lie to the image of crack in the popular press as a scourge on our neighborhoods that must be eradicated at any cost. Said one respondent, "I'm certainly dedicated to eradicating all I can get."

When reached for comment, officials at the Partnership for a Drug Free America put CA on hold, and we don't play that. However, officials at Domino's Pizza, while they held no official position on crack legalization, did deliver a very nice large double pepperoni well within the required thirty minutes.

Jason Modesto, the delivery boy, who once dated a chick who worked for Gallup International, the prestigious polling firm, voiced concerns about the survey's sample population, saying it may have skewed the results.

In a written statement, only partially obscured by cheese, Jet-Head responded by stating, "Don't make me come out there."

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