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The Legend of Bubba Claus

There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."

Bubba Claus doesn’t wear a red suit trimmed in white fur. He wears a pair of Walls coveralls with Realtree winter camo pattern on them. He does wear a red hat; only it’s a baseball cap with the ‘Redman’ logo on it.

Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave him RC colas and pork rinds or a moon pie on the fireplace. And Bubba Claus doesn't smoke a pipe. He likes Skoal wintergreen though, so it’s best to leave an empty spit cup handy.

Since most trailers don’t have a chimney, Bubba Claus tends to leave all his presents in the Trans Am on cinder blocks, in the front yard.

Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs. The only deer Bubba Claus has are above Bubba Claus’ fireplace in the den.

You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen...." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."

Bubba Claus does not say "Ho, ho, ho!" instead he shouts "Tarnation", "Yee Haw!" and "Dagnabbit". And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"

Bubba Claus' sleigh has a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back off" on it. It also has a Ford logo with lights that race through the letters and a caricature of Calvin pissing on a Chevy logo.

Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.

Bubba Claus doesn’t like those faggoty Christmas songs like "Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town." Bubba Claus likes songs like Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox" and "Grandma Got Run'd Over by a Reindeer."

So Christmas eve, when you hear a commotion, a ruckus, a clatter, don’t go see what’s a matter; Bubba Claus shoots first and asks questions later.

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