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The Fifteen Commandments Of Flaming

1. Make things up about your opponent. It’s important to make your lies sound true. Preface your argument with the word,"clearly".
  • Example: "Clearly, Bullock is a liar, and a dirtball, to boot."

    • 2. Be an armchair psychologist: You're a smart person. You've heard of Freud. You took a psychology course in college. Clearly, you're qualified to psychoanalyze your opponent.

  • Example: "Terra Firma, by using the word 'zucchini' in his posting, shows he has bad case of penis envy."

    • 3. Cross-post your flames. Everyone in the net is just waiting for the next literary masterpiece to leave your terminal. From the Baldur’s Gate message board to the UV, they're all holding their breath until your next flame. Therefore, post everywhere.

  • Example: Flame Paladin on the FO2 Board and then post about it at the AOF

    • 4. Conspiracies abound. If everyone's against you, it can't *possibly* be that you're a fuckhead. There's obviously a conspiracy against you, and you will be doing the entire net a favor by exposing it.

  • Example: Terra Firma blaming Kharn and the AOF for being thrown out of the Order.

    • 5. Lawsuit threats. This is the reverse of Rule #4 (sort of the Yin and Yang of flaming). Threatening a lawsuit is always considered to be in good form.

  • Example: "By saying that I've flamed the UV board, Bob the Battle Bhramin has libeled me, slandered me, and sodomized me. See you in court, Bob!"

    • 6. Force them to document their claims: Even if Kharn states outright that he likes tomato sauce on his pasta you should demand documentation. If _Newsweek_ hasn't written an article on Kharn's pasta preferences then Kharn's obviously lying.

  • Example: If Bullet claims he is not fat, ask for a picture and signed physical.

    • 7. Use foreign phrases: French is good, but Latin in the lingua franca of flaming. You should use the words "ad hominem" at least three times per article. Other favorite Latin phrases are "ad nauseum", "vini, vidi, vici", and "fettuccini alfredo".

  • Example: See anything posted by Khronos or Nona

    • 8. Tell 'em how smart you are: Why use intelligent arguments to convince them you're smart when all you have to do is tell them? State that you're a member of Mensa or Mega or Dorks of America. Tell them the scores you received on every exam since high school. "I got an 800 on my SATs,LSATs,GREs, MCATs, and I can also spell the word, 'premeiotic'"

  • Example: Same as above

    • 9. Accuse your opponent of censorship. Anyone who tries to limit your posting or who wants to end a flame war is either a communist, a fascist, or both.

    10. Doubt their existence: You've never actually seen your opponent, have you? Since your are the center of the universe you should have seen them by now, shouldn't you? Therefore, THEY DON'T EXIST!!! This is the beauty of flamers' logic.

    11. Lie, cheat, steal, leave the toilet seat up.

    12. When you begin to lose the arguement, point out your opponents minor spelling mistakes to distract the issue. Example: Any message posted by the real Spectre.

    13. When in doubt, insult: If you forget the other rules, remember this one. At some point during your wonderful career as a flamer you will undoubtedly end up in a flame war with someone who is better than you.

    This person will expose your lies, tear apart your arguments, make you look like a bozo. At this point, there's only one thing to do: Insult the dirtball! "Oh yeah? Well, your mother does humps goats and other small furry animals

    14. Point out your opponents obvious latent homosexuality, after all if he is flaming you he must be an assmaster.

    15. Use the word FUCK - A LOT. After all you have the right to say anything you want. This is America ain’t it?


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